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From: The Spanish Inquisition <TSEAL@EARN.ALASKA>
Quite a while ago, one of my friends sent me his announcement to be a
presidential candidate for the United States of America. I found his views
very innovating and rewarding, and I think you'll find him a promising
candidate in the race to come:
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Hello, my name is Gabe Carter, and I have recently entered the 1992
presidential race. It is my honest opinion that I can do a far better job than
any of the other candidates thus far. My campaign manager has advised me that
some campaign platform might be helpful sometime during the election so here is
my proposed plan for running the government:
Item one: Balancing the budget
My plan is quite simple and obvious. After the dat of January 14th, 1992, the
United States government will no longer recognize the state of Idaho. Any
reference to Idaho in government documents would be removed with whiteout.
Item two: Abortion
Abortion will be left legal, talking about it, though, will be made a federal
offense.
Item three: Environment
I will stop people from using lawn mowers. I figure the extra grass ought to
give everyone more environment than they can stand!
Item four: Social Security
I will give all of the old people jobs. The will be my special Elite Patrol,
making sure no one is cutting their grass or talking about abortion.
Item five: Education
Education is very valuable so I will put more of an emphasis on it. How will I
do this? I will give away high school parking spots for grades...an A gets you
a next-door spot, a B gets you a spot over in the Boat Harbor, and a C will get
you a spot at the City Parking garage.
Item Six: Defense
I like the defense how it is, like the Beatles said, "let it be".
Item seven: Presidential Salary Increase
The president will earn the standard 8% of his nation's taxes, for the '90-'91
year. Then, for example, it would earn me 94 billion dollars. That figures
out to about 264 million dollars a day, a real bargain if I do say so myself.
So, these are my campaign platforms, I hope you vote for me in '92, and
remember my slogan: "Vote for Gabe".
--Eric Lawson TSEAL@ALASKA.BITNET
What's the difference between Canada and the U.S.A.?
The U.S.A. has George Bush, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Stevie Wonder.
And Canada has Brian Mulroney, No Cash, No Hope... No Wonder!
----------------------------------------------------
Q: You've got Paul Keating, Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein and 2
bullets. What are you going to do?
A: Shoot Keating twice.
----------------------------------------------------
I originally heard it in NZ some years ago during an english tour against
the all-blacks(or something like that)
I've made it more topical though.
And in case anyone wonders about it, I dont like rugby, but live in a house
full of rugby fans.
The Queenslanders had come down to Sydney to play the second State of
Origin rugby game. They had been doing well, so Mal (Meninga) and
Wally (Lewis), told the rest of the team they could go down to the pub,
and they would play the game out for them.
Well, come half-time, the Q`landers are leading 36-0, so Mal says to
Wally, "You can go down the pub as well, I'll finish up here and meet you
there later". So Wally leaves.
After the Match, down at the pub, Wally asks Mal, "How did it go?"
"Not good," replied Mal, "We won 40-30."
"Why did you let them get so close?", asked Wally.
"Well, I didn't have a choice, I was sent off 5 minutes into the second half".
----------------------------------------------------
Blackadder is a TV show, Blackadder quotes:
"I wanted to see a war fought SO badly"
"Well, you've come to the right place. A war hasn't been fought THIS
badly since King Otto the Incredibly Stupid ordered 8000 viking helmets
with the horns on the INside."
Lord Melchit: Lord Blackadder. Our foremost cartographers have given us a map
of the area you'll be traversing.
BA: But it's blank!
LM: Yes, they'd like you to fill it in as you go.
BA: I thought it was common maratime practise to have a crew.
Capt Rum: Well, opinion on the matter is divided m'Lord. All the other
captains say it is. I say it isn't.
----------------------------------------------------
Another story that does the rounds here - I've no idea how true it is or
if it's an UL - this guy was sitting an exam in Trinity College here (old
college, bout 400 years old). In the middle of the exam, he called a porter
and requested his pint of ale. The porter, of course, just looked at him.}i
Our hero then produced a copy of the *o-l-d* regulations which stipulated
that a gentleman was entitled to this type of refreshment.
The college authorities, fearing more expensive and disruptive episodes
in the future, checked the college regulations. They then provided your man
with his glass of ale - but promptly fined him for not wearing his
ceremonial sword.
----------------------------------------------------
From: urbanf@tuura.UUCP (Urban Fredriksson)
Subject: History of mathematical education in Sweden (almost true)
Historical examples from the teaching of mathematics in
Swedish schools:
1950: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for 20 crowns. The cost
of producing it is 4/5 of the price. What is the profit?
1960: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for 20 crowns. The cost
of producing it is 16 crowns. Please figure out the
profit.
1970: A farmer sells a set of potatoes (A) for a set of
money (B). B is the set of all parts of B for which
is: B is a crown. In the dash-set you have to for
the set of B do (////////////////////) twenty small
dashes, one for each crown. The set of the cost of
producing (C) is sixteen (////////////////) small dashes.
Draw the set of C as a part set of the set B and give
the resulting set (D) which gives the answer for the
question: What size has the profit set.
1980: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for 20 crowns. The cost
of producing is 4/5 thereof, which is 16 crowns. The
profit is 1/5, equal to 4 crowns. Underline the word
"potatoes" and discuss it with a comrade.
----------------------------------------------------
From Spaf's collection:
----------------------------------------------------
A West Hollywood merchant was robbed Monday by two
men who rolled him up in an expensive Persian rug.
They then stole 60 other rugs, valued at $500,000.
The merchant, Samuel Shaoulian, managed to wriggle
free 30 minutes later to call for help.
----------------------------------------------------
Yesterday, there was a news story about a 72-year old man who was
killed by his goat. It seems he had been beating the goat regularly
to make it mean and antagonistic to humans because he wanted to use it
as a "watch goat." The goat finally had enough and butted the guy a
couple of times. The man died of internal injuries.
No mention of what happened to the goat.
----------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Reasons I entered grad school
10. Wanted to see if obnoxious people only existed in the real world.
9. Cravings for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese dinners.
8. Priesthood requires additional vow of chastity.
7. Internet not available at Burger King.
6. Missed the free exchange of ideas found at all campuses.
5 My school has no Friday classes.
4. My school has no morning classes.
3. I can stay up as late as I want!
2. Pillow fights with other grads make it all worthwhile.
And the number one reason?
1. Currently pays better than real-world alternatives.
----------------------------------------------------
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: $ per car advertising
Here's how much of your new car price went to advertising it on TV.
($ of TV advertising / new car sales = $ spent per sale)
Peugeot $815
Hyundai $718
Mercedes $620
Subaru $573
Isuzu $490
Mazda $483
Missan $435
Toyota $381
Volkswagen $337
Honda $233
GM $198
Chrysler $198
Ford $123
Volvo $ 96
>From Fortune Magazine, May 20, 1991
----------------------------------------------------
The best/worst football score, was of course
Georgia Tech: 222
Cumberland Gap: 0
GT played everybody they had - anyone in uniform, and maybe the
waterboys and cheerleaders (I forget). CG immediately and permanently
disbanded its football team.
Personally I have always suspected that the Falcons were comprised
primarily of old CG men.
[A whole book has been written on this game, and it is quite amusing.
I don't remember the title, but I remember seeing the book. --spaf]
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: We haven't heard from Henry in a while; better late than never
This is probably old, but I heard it from a friend for the first time
a couple of days ago:
Two Kentuckians [or your favorite ethnic/social group] were driving
a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet
zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately,
the truck was just over 12 feet high. They didn't know what to do,
when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't
see any cops, let's go for it.!"
----------------------------------------------------
A telephone sales person makes a call to an unknown prospect and
a very small, very soft, very quiet, and obviously young person
answers the phone.
Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please?
Youngster: (whispering) No, he's busy.
Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother?
Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.
Sales person: I see, how about your brother? Can I speak to him?
Youngster: (whispering) No. He's busy too.
Sales person: (losing patience) Is your sister there? Can I talk to her?
Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.
Sales person: ( by now quite exasperated) What are all these people
doing that keeps them so busy?!!!
Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.
----------------------------------------------------
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was
standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just
come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was
sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to
bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's
always been, knock wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face,
she asks, "Who's there?"
----------------------------------------------------
In New York City, Mayor David Dinkins's City Hall ceremony to
honor the Super Bowl champion Giants had to be canceled after
it was discovered that no one had invited the team.
-- The American Spectator, April 1991
----------------------------------------------------
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my
husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the
clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to
shoot him!" -Cindy
----------------------------------------------------
How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore...
----------------------------------------------------
Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go
along learning more and more about less and less until they know
practically everything about nothing.
Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many
things and keep learning less and less about more and more until they
know practically nothing about everything.
Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but
end up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant
association with experts and lawyers.
----------------------------------------------------
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator
It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
----------------------------------------------------
The story around Harvard was that there was a graduate Math course
whose final always consisted of "Make up an appropriate final exam for
this course and answer it. You will be graded on both parts."
Then one year, a student answered as follows:
The exam is: "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and
answer it. You will be graded on both parts." The answer is: "Make
up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer it. You will
be graded on both parts."
His reasoning was that since that was the best exam the professor
could write, it certainly ought to be good enough for a student.
He got an A. The professor specifically prohibited that answer from
then on.
----------------------------------------------------
A ``small college story'' going around here (at least three people
have told me this story, each one claiming it was them):
A student, working on a rather long math homework assignment,
discovered that one problem fairly easy to solve, except that it
required about three pages of fairly simple proof after the one
or two difficult steps. It being rather late at night, he did the
difficult steps and left the proof undone, along with a note:
``this proof is left as an exercise for the grader.''
Next week, he received his homework back. He noted that several extra
pages had been stapled to the back of it. Examining the extra pages,
he was surprised to find the entire proof written down step-by step.
At the end, in red pen, the grader had written:
``I made a minor math error. minus 2.''
----------------------------------------------------
From: reg@pinet.aip.org (Dr. Richard Glass)
While taking a psych. course in college, the teacher had a habit of
putting the following questions on an exam:
"Ask yourself a question and answer it"
Being a math major,
I asked myself "Solve the following differential equation [* equation
deleted *] under the following conditions [* conditions deleted *]"
and proceeded to solve it.
The next day I stopped by the math office to see one of the profs. He
told me "go away, I'm stuck grading your stupid psych. exam"
I got full credit, and the psych prof. never put that question on an
exam again.
----------------------------------------------------
From: neufeld@aurora.physics.utoronto.ca (Christopher Neufeld)
Well, I've got a favorite story from my Math-Phys course in
undergrad. I figure the statute of limitations on the marks has expired
now, so here goes.
The typical problem, show <expr> is equal to <much simpler expr>. The
math was pretty nasty, and half-way through it looked like I'd need a
clue to getting to the answer, so I went to the result and tried to work
it back to the intermediate result (typical test/homework trick). They
didn't meet. I had two expressions which I knew were equal from plugging
into the calculator, but I couldn't show it algebraically. So, I used
another familiar trick, between the two lines I wrote:
ICBS (it can be shown) and stuck it between the two pieces I couldn't
connect.
Now, somebody else in the class did the same thing, exactly, and got
stuck in exactly the same place. He wrote:
TAMO (then a miracle occurs) in the same place.
I got full marks, he lost marks and got a sarcastic comment from the
corrector.
----------------------------------------------------
a professor was known for being an easy grader. the grades he gave for a
survey course (i.e. the type where you are expected to learn generalities and
not specifics) were based entirely on two exams, and the stuff on the exams
was entirely covered in the textbook. so showing up for class wasn't a big
deal. however, this started to get out of hand. as word of the course spread,
each term there was a larger block of students who would show up infrequently
or not at all, except for the exam days. finally, it got so bad that about
half of the students one term never showed before the midterm. the say of the
midterm everyone came in, and a graduate assistant handed out exams. "prof
x. is sick, so he asked me to give you your exams."
there was only one question in the exam booklets: "which one of the pictures
below is of professor x?"
obviously, the students who never showed up didn't know and had to guess. many
failed, while the students who had been showing up regularly got As.
----------------------------------------------------
When I used to work on an oil rig, there were several of these that we
used on new "hands". Many require knowledge of the field, but one of
my favorites was when we told one new guy to run down to the tool room
and get the pipe stretcher. He returned after several minutes looking
kind of desperate and said he couldn't find it anywhere. We said it
was okay because we didn't have time to wait, so we went ahead and
stretched it by hand... He didn't catch on for another few days.
---------------------------------------------------
Mail 5$ cash to the following organizations with a typed letter from the
offending party expressing deep interest in their organizations:
The NRA
Scientology
The Unification Church
Westech
Depending on their particular peeves, of course.
you forgot:
KKK
American Nazi Party
Atheists of America
somebody did this to me almost 10 years ago... i still receive flyers
and junk mail.
these suckers are persistent! i mean, i've moved 5 times!
----------------------------------------------------
(Found in Bill Kirby's "Piney Woods Wit" column, Gwinnett Daily News,
Duluth, Ga 5 Dec 1990)
A poor farm boy in Wayne County, Ga. left home to make his way in
the world. He walked into town and stopped by the local church to
ask about work.
"The Lord's answered your prayers," said the pastor. "Our church
janitor just quit and we can hire you on the spot. Just fill
out this form."
"I'm sorry," said the young man, "but I never learned to so much
as write my name."
"Oh, I'm sorry," the pastor said, "but we can't hire you. What
if the phone were to ring when everyone was out? Why, you couldn't
even take a message."
The young man was discouraged, so he continued walking down the
road all the way to the coastal city of Brunswick. There he found
work as a fisherman. He saved his money and after a year invested
in a restaurant. It became popular and he became wealthy...so rich,
in fact, that he decided to open a chain of seafood restaurants. A
big loan was needed, so he hopped in his private jet and flew to meet
with a banker in Atlanta.
Everything went well, and finally the banker pushed a paper
toward him to sign for the loan. "I'm sorry," the young man said,
"but I never did learn to sign my name."
"Goodness," said the Atlanta banker, "you're one of the wealthiest
men in the state. Just think, where would you be now if you could
write your name?"
"I guess," the young man said, "I'd be a church janitor in Wayne
County, Georgia."
----------------------------------------------------
[From the "Around New York" column of the New York Times, April 3, 1991]
COURT SAYS LEGAL AID LAWYERS HAD RIGHT TO WEAR BUTTONS
A state appeals court ruled yesterday that Legal Aid Society lawyers
had a constitutional right to wear "Ready to Strike" buttons in
October, when they argued their cases in court.
The lawyers were wearing the buttons to signify their support of a
threatened strike. But Justice George Roberts of State Supreme Court
ordered them to remove their buttons in his Manhattan courtroom on the
ground they could prejudice the court and upset their clients.
The Apellate division of the State Supreme Court said "the mere act of
wearing a button" was protected by the Constitution's guarantee of
free speech.
Justice Richard W. Wallach pointed out in a concurring opinion that
Justice Roberts had said he would have allowed non-political buttons
such as those that said "Save the Whales". But Justice Wallach issued
a caution to all lawyers:
"If the choice had to be made between saving the lives of lawyers or
saving whales, there is little doubt that the overwhelming majority of
Americans would come down on the side of the whales"
=========================================================================
Subject: Pipe stretchers et al
Re: the recent anecdote about asking a new guy to fetch a pipe strectcher,
here is a list of 10 non-existant things which gullible apprentices are
amusingly asked to fetch (from the British magazine, Q)...
(1) A Glass Hammer
(2) A Dozen Lemon Ice-Cubes
(3) A Long Stand
(4) A Tin of Tartan Paint
(5) A Jar of Chicken Lips
(6) A Packet of Sky Hooks
(7) A Tin of Dried Fried Egg Powder
(8) A Lefthanded Screwdriver
(9) A Box of Invisible Nails
(10) A Horizontal Ladder
Gary Stephens
Dublin City University, Ireland
Copyright, 1991. The Associated Press. All rights reserved.
The information contained in this news report may not be republished or
redistributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press.
FOREST CITY, Fla. (AP) -- It was a caper straight out of legend, but this
Trojan horse was a plywood crate that hid a young burglar who rifled the till at
a baseball card shop, authorities said.
Police on Thursday were still trying to find two teen-age boys who came into
the Extra Base Baseball Card store on Sunday and asked a favor. They said they'd
bought a big gift for their dad and politely asked if they could leave it in the
store overnight.
"They said, `We have the box outside,"' store employee Tiffany Roberts said.
"I didn't know it was going to be a big, huge box. By the time I turned around,
they were wheeling it in the door."
But she and store manager Shane Estep agreed to keep the gaily wrapped box
that measured 4-by-4-by-3 feet.
They didn't know they were falling for one of the oldest cons in the book --
one that dates to ancient Troy. The youths had smuggled a companion into the
store inside the box.
After the store locked up for the night, the accomplice concealed inside the
plywood crate broke out and escaped with $45 from the cash register, authorities
said.
The loot could have included baseball cards, memorabilia and other items, but
the store's alarm went off, evidently short-circuiting the plan.
Left behind was the box. It was on wheels and had a hinged trap door. Inside,
sheriff's deputies found a false bottom filled with baseball cards and two
baseballs so that anyone looking inside would not see the burglar hidden
underneath.
Also found were two canvas bags that could have been used for the
merchandise.
Even the wrapping paper on the box fit the kids' story about it being a gift
for their dad -- it had an "over the hill" theme.
Estep said his biggest worry with young customers has been shoplifting, not
reincarnations of the Trojan horse.
"If you would have looked at them you would totally trust these little kids,"
Estep said. "They came in here with those little baby faces saying, `Can we keep
this in here for our dad?"'
The caper ended up virtually an even trade for the baseball card shop, Estep
said.
"On Monday, I took all the cards they left and sold them for $42."
[70003,4637] Executive News Svc. 08:23 EDT 06-Sep-91
(910906122336 70003.4637 CHB74-24)
for MARC 08:25 EDT 06-Sep-91 Message 5855-687 forwarded by
*******************************************************************************
.. an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
never when standing.
Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's
keyboard:the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated
he was a touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was
led astray by hunting and pecking.
-- from the Programming Pearls column edited by Jon Bentley in CACM Feb. '85
*******************************************************************************